Because Everyone In Canada Lives In An Igloo
by Determined
Summary: While trying to order coffee, Canada's attempts are thwarted by idiots...resulting in his patience and sarcasm running dry. Deadpanning has never been so deadly. *Just ask America*


Because Everyone In Canada Lives In An Igloo

A/N: Inspired by an email I got right after AnimeNorth, making it even lulzy-er. Just a small drabble until I complete Your Mom + Tsundere. Made a post about it here, community(dot)livejournal(dot)com/lolsogeographic/172344.(html) Just remove the (dot)s and replace with ., remove the (html) and replace with html~.

A hilarious article and an animation with Canada based on it is there! I'm glad mah email has brought such Canadian joy...eh! (BRICK'D)

It's not that I have "writer's block" per se, more like…."my English teacher is failing me" block. Seriously, she could be Russia incarnate for all we know, her skill in failing half the class while wearing that _bloody happy _smile on her face _all the effing time _is undeniable. I'm having a mini Cold War with her at the moment; she totally knows I see through her yandere exterior.

So most of my literary abilities these days are going into writing essays, glaring at her when her back is turned, coming up with strange Hetalia video ideas, drooling over Naruto, hiding my PSP and my banana bread under my desk, handing in said essays with an awesome glint in my eye, watching her homicidally glint back, receiving the essays back with the official F stamp of approval…but don't worry gaiz, I'll win for sure! I'm the hero! (Or at the very least, I'll survive this barely~)

____________________

Canada scratched Kumajiro's ear nonchalantly as he waited in line for the limited iced coffee freebie. Tim Hortons was probably his greatest invention, he decided.

"Hey Matt! Matttt!"

"Eh?" The blonde turned around in shock. No one (besides America, but that hoser hardly counted) had ever remembered his name long enough to call him twice!

"I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?"

Was...was England serious? Oh gawd, did having his brother inside him infect UK with stupid?

"We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. How much time have you been spending with Alf-"

"Mattie! Bro! Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street when I visit?"

Speak of the burger-sucking devil.

"Depends on how much you've been drinking." responded Matthew dryly.

"C'nta, ov'r 'ere." At this, a third country addressed the mostly ignored nation.

"Ermm, yes Sweden?"

"I wanna w'lk fr'm Vancouver t' Toronto -s'can I follo' th' railroad tr'cks?"

These questions were just getting denser. Matthew squirmed. Being bombarded was really getting him farther from his beloved free coffee.

"Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water. Now can you guys please-"

"S'it safe ta run 'round in'da bushes s'in Canada ?"

"So it's true what they say about Swedes." muttered Canada, as he turned to face the front of the store. Sweden, satisfied with his responses, left Tim Hortons; but not before buying several bottles of water.

"Are there any ATM's in Canada?" interjected Arthur, blocking Matthew's view of the cash register. "Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax?"

"What, did your last slave die?" snapped the normally shy country. "Now will you people please leave, you're blocking my spot in line!"

Snubbed by the duo, Matthew found his patience (and sarcasm) drying with each passing moment.

"Bro, can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?"

_WHAT I DON'T EVEN-_

" A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it." he face-palmed silently. "Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked."

The answer seemed to appease his sibling, before another question came to America.

"Which direction is north in Canada?"

Matthew fought the urge to smack some sense upside his brother's head.

"Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions." dead-panned Matthew. He tried again to regain his position in line, heaving his bear companion as he walked.

"Can I bring cutlery into Canada?" called Arthur from behind.

"Why? Just use your fingers like we do." yelled Matthew back. He blew his ahoge away from his clearly irritated face.

"Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?" panted Alfred, catching up with his brother.

This was getting ridiculous.

"Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it." Matthew sighed. "Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked," added the male.

After mentioning nudity, Canada watched in amusement as England left the restaurant, bottle of gin in one hand and map to Vancouver in the other.

At this, Ludwig and Felciano entered the small restaurant. No, no, no, no, mentally chanted Matthew, the vein on his temple throbbing dangerously.

As if on cue, the two made a U-turn towards the nation. Surprisingly, Germany was the first to ask. "Do you have perfume in Canada?"

Why him? Why were these ignorant bastards pestering him?

"No, WE don't stink." huffed Matthew.

"I developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada?"

Oh mon _Dieuuu_, Alfred.

"Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather."

Giggling, whether from the thinly-veiled insult or something else his ADHD had noticed, the ve-ing Feliciano pulled on Matthew's sweater.

"Ve ve, can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?"

"Yes, gay nightclubs." Shooing the pasta lover and his (coughwhippedcough) boyfriend, Matthew almost cried. He was at the end of the line, and to top it off it was now 4:55, the free coffee offer lasting only till 5.

"Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada?"

He should know this! Why didn't that idiot know this?!?

"Only at Thanksgiving Al."

Before leaving with his arm-cuddling Italian, Germany shouted one last inquiry. "Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?"

Matthew sincerely wished Ludwig would play in traffic.

"No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal."

Glancing at the clock, Matt held back a gasp. It was 4:58, and the line had miraculously shortened to only three people. Finally, something was going right!

"I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of like a big horse with horns."

He's America all right...deciding he had some time to spare, Matthew turned to face his bright-eyed brother.

"It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking." said Canada with the straightest face he could muster. 4:59! He was next, he was next! Oh great Timbit in the sky, he was next!

"Will I be able to speak English most places I go?"

**BEAVER DAM IT AL, GO AWAY.**

"Yes, but you will have to learn it first. Now if you'll excuse me," opening his mouth to order Matthew was stopped by the teenage cashier, a near Poland look-alike.

"Like, yeah, the free iced coffee thingy's like totally done now, so feel like free to totally order something else."

...WHAT.

...WHAT?!?

"But-but-but, it's 4:59!" sputtered the country, arms flailing feebly.

"Oops, my bad. That clock's like 5 minutes behind."

"...Oh."

Quietly, Canada slowly trudged out of line and into the street, Alfred following behind.

"Hey Mattie, I was wondering, does everyone in Canada live in an igloo?"

And that's when Canada high-fived America in the face.

___________

UM. YEAH. ENJOY BADLY WRITTEN FANFIC.


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